People yell when they don’t feel heard. It’s almost funny to think about that when you’re not in the heat of a battle– the logical but totally faulty reasoning that if you just say the same thing with more decibels, you’ll suddenly be understood. As if the other party will be like, “Ohhhhh, now that you screamed that sentence at me and threw in some curse words, it finally makes sense!”

Feeling misunderstood is awful, especially if it’s happening with someone you count on to know you, accept you, and see you for who you are. Having someone you love look at you as though you’re someone you aren’t feels like an attack on, and a betrayal of, the trust you’ve granted by making yourself vulnerable enough to love them in the first place. It’s hard to stay open when you feel threatened by a person you want to love you, even if you’ve screwed up. We humans tend to dig our heels in and want to be right, want to be seen as our highest selves even if we haven’t acted from that place. It’s a form of denial, a refusal to accept that of course we will all make mistakes. It’s the nature of being human. But even the language we use pits us against each other, when one person “wins” an argument and the other loses. There are no winners when hurtful things are said that cannot be unsaid or unheard.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and many people feel overtaken by it. There’s no doubt it creates tangible reactions in the body: there’s an adrenaline rush, the blood pressure goes up, the breath is shallow, the heart races. You’ll never hear or be heard when you’re in the midst of a fight or flight reaction, you’re either going to want to win or run. And being yelled at feels awful; it puts us in a defensive position, or for some people, it incites greater rage. It isn’t possible to experience rage and empathy at the same time; in the midst of anger, we see things as black or white, and the other person becomes the opponent.

People who love us are not against us. Misunderstandings and disagreements are perfectly natural when two complex people come together, each with their own history, pain, struggles, fears, doubts, shame and confusion. You have yours and they have theirs, the question is, what are you going to put in the space between you? Because that’s where the relationship happens. You can fill it with rage and blame and resentment, you can yell and say terrible things, throw stuff and storm around, but you’ll only be polluting the space and setting yourself up to feel miserable and guilty later. And that guilt won’t just be for anything you said or did in anger to any other person, it will also be because you betrayed yourself. We all want to be kind and loving. There’s a beautiful, open heart within each of us that longs to expand and embrace and accept and celebrate and understand all the people we encounter.

If you find yourself betraying your heart and acting out in the midst of your anger, see if you can start to speak out about what you’re experiencing instead of the inciting topic. Ask the other person to give you a minute and a little space. Talk about your heart racing, or the fact that you feel your shoulders tensed up. Say out loud that you’re all worked up and that you need to calm down before you go on. Sit down or walk outside for a few minutes or get yourself some water. Turn your attention to those visceral sensations in your body. If anger puts us in an altered state, tuning in to sensations brings us back to the now. In the now, you might be able to see the other person clearly again. Your attempt to pull yourself out of the storm might inspire your family member, partner, friend, colleague, or poor bast%rd on the bar stool next to you to do the same. There’s a good possibility you may reach a deeper understanding of one another. And you will surely realize you can trust yourself, which is an essential feeling to have in this world. Wishing you peace, strength, courage and love, Ally