Sometimes we hold on to all the wrong stuff; ways we’ve been hurt, wronged, betrayed, disappointed, abused or neglected, conversations or memories that feel like a knife in the heart, something someone said or did in anger, or because they were thoughtless, or drunk, or because their head happened to be up their own a$$ in that particular moment. I’m not saying any of that is okay, I’m just saying human beings can be lost and confused and lacking tools to show up for us in a loving way. Sometimes we’re so focused on holding on to that stuff, because we want to use it to justify our feelings, our version of events, our way of being, our stance…and maybe the stance isn’t serving us. Let’s just say for a moment that your version is totally accurate (it probably isn’t, but let’s just say that it is). Does it matter that you’re “right” if you’re miserable?

I’m not saying, “forgive everything and all will be well.” If someone robbed you of your innocence, and took things from you that you can never have back again, like your childhood, for example, I’m not saying you need to sing kumbaya and invite them to sit down at your fire. I’m just saying you don’t have to drag that heavy burden around with you for the rest of your life, and use it to explain why things are the way they are, or why you are the way you are. You’re not set in stone. You’re changing every second, like everyone else. You don’t have to feed the stories that weaken you, and keep you stuck. Maybe you need to put it all down, and spread everything out and hold it up to the light so you can grieve and mourn for those things that you never got to experience. By all means, do that first, acknowledge and examine and lean into your pain so you can know yourself well, and deeply. Then, open to the possibility of joy.

We all have pain. Some people have more than others, that’s just the way of things. Some people endure losses that are so knifing, you wonder how they’re still breathing, but you can extract beauty from everything. If you’re grieving, it’s because you loved so, so deeply, and it’s beautiful that you were able to do that. That can never be taken from you. If you were robbed of your power or your innocence but you’re still here, you’re still standing, there’s beauty in your strength and your resolve, and in your ability to define yourself as a survivor and not a victim. If you were abused or neglected, there’s beauty in that resilient heart of yours, that keeps beating and still has hope.

Our experiences shape us, but they don’t have to define us. We can heal, and define ourselves. Your choices and actions are your own. The way you respond to what you’ve been given is up to you. If you want to hold on to something, hold on to your gorgeous heart. Hold on to your belief in yourself. Hold on to memories that make you smile, and shake your head. Delete nasty emails, but save birthday cards or thank you cards, or letters that make your eyes fill with tears of gratitude. Pick better moments if you need to. Life is so short. Don’t anchor yourself to pain. Life is full of everything. Feed the stuff that strengthens you and focus on those things that inspire you and give you hope and light you up. Move in that direction. Liberate yourself from your past if you need to, so your present and your future can be beautiful.

More than anything, recognize that this is your one life, and it isn’t happening behind you or in front of you, it’s happening right now. If you aren’t happy, at a certain point you have to stop pointing fingers, and start making choices.

Sending you love,

Ally Hamilton

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