It’s easy to look around and blame external factors for our rage or unhappiness, for our boredom or dissatisfaction. (Please note: I am not talking about times we’re moving through grief, the loss of a person we don’t know how to live without, or the other huge heartbreaks we face in life, I’m talking about a day-to-day focus on what’s happening around us, instead of within us). It’s much harder to take a look at what’s happening within us, to take ownership of our lives and our feelings, and to make changes when necessary, but it’s also very liberating. When we give circumstances or other people the power to control how we feel in any given moment, on any given day, or for days and weeks at a time, we’re putting ourselves in such a weak position.

If someone cuts you off on the freeway, you don’t have to give them the power to raise your blood pressure. You don’t have to unroll your window, or shout expletives, or stick your traffic finger in the air. You don’t have to let it affect you at all. If it does, if you become enraged, that rage was boiling right underneath the surface. That’s something you had within you, and they just gave you an opportunity to unleash it, but that isn’t a healthy way to process your anger or frustration, or feelings of being disrespected.

If your friend gets a promotion and you can’t be happy for them because you want a promotion, that’s something to look at as well. Maybe you feel envious of your friend, or annoyed at his or her good fortune. Maybe you feel you deserve a break more, but now you’re allowing your friend’s good news to make you doubt yourself or loathe yourself or wonder why your life isn’t going along the way theirs is. You’ve allowed an external circumstance to rock your world and make you feel like crap, when in reality, your friend did not just get the last promotion known to humankind. Your friend did not just take up your space in the sun. You have an opportunity to take a look within. It feels terrible to resent the good news of someone else. It makes us feel small and ugly, when we are neither of those things.

We can use these triggers to know ourselves more deeply, and to point us in the direction of where we have healing to do, and then we can get to work. A great way to stay centered is to observe your breath. I know that sounds so simple, but it’s the quickest and most powerful way I know to bring yourself smack into the now.  When we’re obsessing or lamenting over what’s happening for other people that isn’t happening for us, or we’re raging about what this person is doing or not doing, when we point fingers at our partner for the state of our relationship, when we decide we’ll be happy when “things change”, we’re really lost at sea. We have no control over what life is going to put in our paths, nor do we have the power to determine what other people will do or say or want or need; our power lies in our ability to respond with grace and strength and curiosity to whatever it is that’s happening around us. I mean, we can work on that, anyway. The rest of it is not up to us.

Other people cannot make us feel anything, unless we allow them that access, and that goes for the good feelings, as well as the challenging ones. If we aren’t open to receiving love, for example, it doesn’t matter if our partner dances like a monkey, we aren’t going to be able to receive the gift, or dance along. A person cannot rob us of a peaceful afternoon by behaving badly, unless we allow ourselves to boil about it for hours on end. We always have the power to choose one thought over another, but that’s a skill that requires a lot of practice and determination.

Next time you find yourself spiraling and coming from a place of lack instead of abundance, fear instead of love, pause and breathe. Take a moment to come back to yourself. Feel your inhale, and feel your exhale, and place your hand on your heart if it helps, so you can feel it beating away in there for you, and then decide how you want to show up, how you want to respond. Becoming accountable for the energy we’re spreading is a super power worth working on.

Wishing you strength, love, and determination,

Ally Hamilton

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