Recently
I received a message from a woman who’s suffering over the loss of a relationship. She hooked up with this guy a couple of years after her divorce, and at first everything seemed wonderful. He was kind and attentive, and she felt that heat she hadn’t experienced in years. She fell hard. Little by little, things started to deteriorate. He began comparing her to the three hundred women who came before. He’s 62, so I guess he put the time in. He measured her breasts (take a minute with that if you need one — I did), and he told her she needed to get her boobs done to satisfy him and stack up to his prior girlfriends. Then he began to complain that she took too long to orgasm, and that he never had to scramble anyone else’s eggs for such a long time before (insert all the non-yogic things I’d like to say, here). He timed her. With. A. Stopwatch. Nothing like a clock going to relax you!! He let her know he would be going out to flirt with other women and chat them up, and he might even exchange numbers and hang out, because that’s what he needed to feel good as a man. Eventually she discovered he’d made plans with an ex-girlfriend to take a trip behind her back, even though she’d asked if they might take a weekend away somewhere for her birthday, and he said he couldn’t afford to travel. She ended it, even though she says she still loves him and wants him back. Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want a prince like that?! And it seems she went and had that breast augmentation. To make matters worse, he told all their mutual friends that he ended it because she’s jealous and crazy and needs to be medicated, and they believed him because he’s charismatic and the life of the party, and she’s more soft-spoken. I guess he posts things about his current girlfriend and her private parts on his Twitter account, so you’d think maybe his friends would realize he might not be such a fabulous guy to date. Anyway, our friend was emotionally abused and lost all her friends, and moved to the other side of the country to get away from all the pain, but of course, “wherever you go, there you are” as Jon Kabat-Zinn so eloquently puts it.
We could all focus on the guy (and go ahead if you’d like to, because there’s plenty to say there). He’s clearly got some rage toward women, and a deep insecurity underneath all that bravado, some self-loathing, and a lot of pain. But the more interesting thing to look at for her, is why she participated in a relationship like that, and why she thinks she still loves him and wants him back. This is a smart, very attractive woman and she’s convinced she’d go back to him given the chance. Love does not cut you down, okay? It does not ask you to prove your worthiness. It does not bring measuring tape and stopwatches to bed and it does not make you feel, “less than”. If you’re attracted to relationships like that, you have some deep pain. Some seriously unhealed wounds that tell you you aren’t worthy of love or consideration or respect. You don’t love the person who’s making you suffer, you’re addicted to the interaction. Some part of you believes you aren’t worthy, and you’re thinking if you can only attain the love and approval of this person who’s seeing the “truth” (LIE) about you, then you’d be healed, but you won’t heal that way. You’ll just increase your pain.
When you’re stuck in a web like this, you really need to get yourself some support. Someone to help you untangle yourself before your heart is so strangled the light starts to go out around you. This woman who wrote in feels suicidal. How could you not when you’ve participated in your own destruction, and feel compelled to continue? That’s a very dark place to be, and you may need some good people to help you find your way back to yourself. A great therapist would be a very good call. Any healing modality that helps you find your power again, whether it’s yoga, seated meditation, long hikes, journaling, or reading a book that helps you shed some light on your situation. Going back for more is asking for more pain and more darkness. Life is too short for that. Love will never degrade you.
Sending you a hug and some love right now,
Ally Hamilton
Ally, thank you for your blog. You are so helpful and your words always hit home with me, especially this post. I’m right where she is and that dark place is a horrible place to be. I hope she gets some help. Thanks again, you’re awesome!
Hey Gina. You’re very welcome, and I’m sorry times are tough right now. If I can help, you can always email me at ally@yogisanonymous.com Otherwise, sending you a hug and a lot of love. XO
Wow! (Thinking my own non-yogic thoughts about that guy right now…). I so hope that the woman who wrote you is reading your blog posts, because she needs to hear the words you are saying, and I hope with all my heart that she can take them in, at least a little bit. I have been there before – it’s a hellish place to be – and I have so much compassion for this woman and hope that she can find her way to a more self-compassionate place. Because that is the only way to recognize the kind of healthy, life-affirming love that we all deserve: to somehow find just enough compassion for yourself that you can recognize it coming from others, too. If the woman in your post is reading this, I hope that she can hang on and know that there are so many people out there – both as friends and potential partners – who will love and cherish the wonderful person she is. I can say that confidently without knowing anything about her because I truly believe that there is nobody at all who is deserving of the kind of abuse heaped on her by the ex. Everyone – even the mean-spirited abusive ex in this story, because she loves him, right? – can be loved in a respectful and compassionate way. The hard part is believing it and trusting it when you have never experienced it before. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize at first because it looks so different than the abusive, hard-fisted, possessive “love” you are used to. But if you can find your way to being at least a little bit hopeful, that will help immensely. Words seem inadequate, but I hope they help in some small way.
That was very beautiful, Laura. She is reading the comments, and we’ve been emailing back and forth, and I think it’s very helpful to see so many people acknowledge their own experiences, pain and healing. I’ve been there, too. Sometimes we just need each other, and need to know we aren’t alone. Sending you a hug. XO
We can all be so vulnerable can’t we?
Sent from my iPad
Without a doubt. The trick is to share your vulnerability with people who will cherish it. I wouldn’t want to be tough and hardened, but if you’re going to be open, you have to really be mindful about the people you allow to get close to you. I wanted to climb through my laptop and give her a hug. Sending one to you, and lots of love.
Hi,
Loving your posts! Is there an email address we can contact you directly? Rather than a public post?
Many thanks
Xx
So glad! And yes, ally@yogisanonymous.com
Look forward to hearing from you.
geez what an a$$hole that guy is,I vote for him to have an XL penis implant,I rather be in bed reading a great book than even talk to an ignoramous like “Him”
Hi, I am grateful for your sincere encouragements. i’m currently going through something similar situation whereby he had chased his ex gf away few years back after realising she is still in another marriage. He doesnt critisize her but instead praise her out of gracious of God’s children..He will complaint about my lateness even due to my work or show faces if i didnt meet his requirements. I felt inferior on the way he is comparing..which he claim complaining is a sin to God… He had suffered alot in his life and all his past relationships.. I sympathise with him and admire his God fearing attitude towards life, but I felt degrated in front of him. Although he always said i’ve got many options unlike him.